A Field Guide to Crazy
I had lunch with a great friend from work today, and we got to talking about the different types of crazy. I have come to think there are three major species within the crazy taxonomy, with endless variation when it comes to phylum, class, order, and genus.
The first of the species is the Outright Nutbag (psycholus batshiatus.) The Outright Nutbag’s natural environment is subway cars, street corners, and public parks. They may be found addressing street signs, traffic lights, and other inanimate objects (“No, you’re the asshole!), bathing in copious amounts of baby powder for no discernable reason, and have rough, matted coats and a peculiar odor. They keep their crazy right out there in the open. It’s obvious they’re (literally) insane, and they make no effort to hide it.
The next species in the category is the Common Nutbag (psycholus obviola). The Common Nutbag is highly adaptable and adept at camouflage; sometimes one might be standing right next to you and you’d never know it. The Common Nutbag can be found in offices, homes, stores and other areas of commerce. Common Nutbags blend very well with the population; their colorful displays of plumage shedding and high-pitched shrieking are usually only motivated by high stress or distasteful stimuli. They’re right out there with their inner crazy, but are known as ‘quirky,’ or ‘creative types.’ [Full disclosure: I am a Common Nutbag.]
The most dangerous of the species is the Closet Nutbag (psycholus BretEastonEllis). The Closet Nutbag is remarkable for how normal it appears. Closet Nutbags wear bespoke garments, have really good apartments and haircuts, hold high-paying jobs, and dismember prostitutes for giggles. Closet Nutbags harbor terrible drinking habits or drug addictions, are often homosexual, and can never, ever admit these things to anyone, even when drunk, drug-addled, or engaging on homosexual acts.
A hypothesis may now be made: The more polished, together, and collected a specimen appears, the more likely they’re a Closet Nutbag. You may safely trust the Outright Nutbag and the Common Nutbag to be weird to varying degrees, but these Nutbags know they’re Nutbags; it’s all out there. The one you have to watch out for is the Closet Nutbag, especially in regions where nail guns and plastic sheeting are readily available.
The first of the species is the Outright Nutbag (psycholus batshiatus.) The Outright Nutbag’s natural environment is subway cars, street corners, and public parks. They may be found addressing street signs, traffic lights, and other inanimate objects (“No, you’re the asshole!), bathing in copious amounts of baby powder for no discernable reason, and have rough, matted coats and a peculiar odor. They keep their crazy right out there in the open. It’s obvious they’re (literally) insane, and they make no effort to hide it.
The next species in the category is the Common Nutbag (psycholus obviola). The Common Nutbag is highly adaptable and adept at camouflage; sometimes one might be standing right next to you and you’d never know it. The Common Nutbag can be found in offices, homes, stores and other areas of commerce. Common Nutbags blend very well with the population; their colorful displays of plumage shedding and high-pitched shrieking are usually only motivated by high stress or distasteful stimuli. They’re right out there with their inner crazy, but are known as ‘quirky,’ or ‘creative types.’ [Full disclosure: I am a Common Nutbag.]
The most dangerous of the species is the Closet Nutbag (psycholus BretEastonEllis). The Closet Nutbag is remarkable for how normal it appears. Closet Nutbags wear bespoke garments, have really good apartments and haircuts, hold high-paying jobs, and dismember prostitutes for giggles. Closet Nutbags harbor terrible drinking habits or drug addictions, are often homosexual, and can never, ever admit these things to anyone, even when drunk, drug-addled, or engaging on homosexual acts. A hypothesis may now be made: The more polished, together, and collected a specimen appears, the more likely they’re a Closet Nutbag. You may safely trust the Outright Nutbag and the Common Nutbag to be weird to varying degrees, but these Nutbags know they’re Nutbags; it’s all out there. The one you have to watch out for is the Closet Nutbag, especially in regions where nail guns and plastic sheeting are readily available.
posted by Liz at 2:21 PM
2 Comments:
HA! Beware lest you turn into a white collar worker!
Great post! I'm glad I can now differentiate between the crazy types.
When choosing friends, I usually go by "the crazier the better" which usually translates into lotsa fun. As you point out, those who act normal are really the wack jobs.
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