I Would Like to Thank

•The owner of the car whose alarm went off this morning at 6:34, and who didn't see fit to crawl out of bed to turn it off until 7:14. May you hit an ice patch on the Verrazano and plummet to your death. You won't be missed.

•The girl at Atlantic Avenue going down the wrong side of the staircase who wouldn't get the hell out of my way. Yes, I did hit you with my bag on purpose, and no, you should not feel obliged to stand clear of the closing doors. I'm sure your big ass will hold them open long after you've left the train.

•My unsanitary co-workers. Wash your damn hands after you use the toilet. If you're out of the bathroom before the flushing is even done, you are unclean (though not in a Terrence Howard way). Don't be fooled, anyone, women are gross and leave all manner of unspeakable things behind when using public and or office bathrooms. Also, don't eat half a bag of chips, decide you don't like them, and leave the half-empty bag sitting next to, but not in, the garbage can. Seriously.

•Three-abreast tourist dawdlers. Yes, New York is a magnificent and exciting city, especially near the holidays. Yes, we're well pleased to take your money, even if you do snarkily refer to the dollar as the peso. Yes, I know exactly where the Chrysler Building is; you're standing directly in front of it, and I will give you accurate directions. No, I will not hesitate to push you into traffic if your sidewalk-blocking gawking impedes my progress in any way. That's just how I roll.

Am I cranky? Hell yes. Two weeks 'til Belize.